A Geeks Guide to Joining a Gym

I just did what was possibly the most stupid and degrading thing I've ever done in my life. I joined the New York Sports Club, and I've decided to share my experiences in the hopes that I can put the nerves of my fellow geeks to rest. I'd like to start by going over the basics of my visit.

1) Dont Feel Inferior
Being an awkward geek all my life, I had never even considered joining a gym. When I walked into the gym I watched several beefed up guys and girls walk by, and I immediately felt socially unwelcome. If you are self consious, like I am, this will most likely happen to you, but try to ignore it. You will soon realize that there is no reason to feel inferior. All you have to do is talk to someone that works there and you will immediatly understand the true meaning of the word douchebag.

2) Don't Expect Any Help From the Front Desk
After entering the gym, I approached the front desk and was greeting by a fiercely idiotic woman who, i am conviced, had no idea where she worked. I asked about the pricing plans, and she looked at me as if I had two green tentacles extending from my nipples. She asked me to fill out a card with my name, address, phone number, email, and employer. After explaining 3 times that I didn't want anymore spam or telemarketers calling my cell phone, I finally got to speak with a Manager.

3) Know What You Want Before You Enter
Why? Because it's more fun that way. When I finally met one of the Managers (and I use the term loosely because usually managing something requires and IQ higher than 10) he took me up to his office and started going through his schpeel. I inturupted him mid-sentance and asked him what the pricing plans were. He paused for about 15 seconds and then finished his pitch. At that moment I learned that when he wasn't reciting the script he had memorized, he had to think. And in the mind of a jock, "thinking bad, brain hurt."

4) Force the Guy to Get to the Point
Let me make this clear. These people are told to ask you as many stupid and irrelevant questions as they possibly can. I don't know why they are told to do this, but I am assuming it is what their told, because stereroid boy here couldn't think on his own if he was the last person on earth. (I also question if he could read anything besides the numbers on my credit card, but I'll get to that later) He started with the simple stuff, "Where do you live?", "What do you do for a living?", and my favorite, "Why do you want to join a gym?". I paused at the sheer dumbassedness of that one, but then answered, "um... to work out?"

5) Notice Things and Ask Questions
Some things you should notice and ask about, and some you should keep to yourself. But pretty much everything should make you feel better about yourself. For example, I noticed the clothes on my muscle-bound moron manager, and I figured that he had no idea how to dress himself. Or worse, what a mirror is. (I would like to point out that I know nothing about fashion, and have been laughed at several times for wearing things that look strange. But I would never be caught dead in spandex bike shorts and a pink Polo T-shirt, even if my muscles were bigger than my head.) Something else I noticed were the books on my gym-bag friend's shelf (note: gym-bag = gym guy + douchebag). The book I noticed in particular (I swear to god, this is not a lie) was Tolstoy's "War and Peace". Now, I've never read "War and Peace." Hell, I could barely get through "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and I loved that, so it has never crossed my mind to take on a 1500 page epic. But I wanted to test my new gym-bag friend. I said to him, "War and Peace, that's a great book. Wasn't it great when Tony finally killed the leader of the army?" Once again, this is not in here to be funny, it absolutely happened. The fucker agreed with me. "Oh yeah," he said, "it was awsome. But I haven't read it in a long time." Now there is a very slim chance, that I had guessed something right about the book. But I am fairly certain that Tolstoy didn't have a character named Tony.

6) The Stupidness of it All
After enduring almost a half-hour of small talk, with topics ranging from my job to my girlfriend's eating habits, I finally told him to just tell me what the pricing plans were. He explained that he was asking the questions to help determine what plan fit my lifestyle. Starting to get annoyed, I informed him that I wanted to know what all of my options were, and make that decision myself. He then proceded to read the TWO DIFFERENT PRICE PLANS! TWO! Half an hour of mindless (and I mean that literally) chit chat was needed to figure out which of the two plans worked best for me. It was then I noticed that the gym-bag had a shiny Cross pen on his desk, and I was very tempted to shove it through his eye. He said that the more expensive plan would suit me best. I said no. He said that it would offer me more flexebility. I said no. He said that I should consider th... I cut him off and told him to ring me up on the cheaper one (still $79/mo which is out-freakin-rageous). Finally I would be able to leave this place. He started typing my credit card info into the computer. Wow. Not only did he take a full 5 minutes to enter my info, when he handed me the printout, my name was misspelled.

7) They All Assume That You Are as Dumb as They Are
After all that, I was finally handed my one page gym contract. (by the way, I was forced to join this gym, not by the gym-bag, but by my girlfriend. I was dumb enough to make a new years resolution on tape). Before I could read and sign it, the manager took about 30 seconds to find and circle the 4 places I had to sign. Now having succesfully graduated passed the 4th grade, I can spot the word signiture on a piece of paper. Especially when there is a giant, bold X right next to it.

8) Get Out as Soon as Possible
I can't stress this enough. Too much time around these people will slowly lower your IQ. The jerk pulled my new gym card out of his desk, and held it up in front of me. "Now, before I give you this, let me tell you about the classes we offer..." Note to geeks: don't goto any gym classes. They sucked in high school, and they will suck even more as an adult. The only thing worse than talking to these gym idiots, is having them tell you what to do. Anyway, I stood up, and said I was not interested, and grabbed the card.

Conclusion: If you are a geek, and you want to join a gym, don't be afraid. You may not be the prettiest person there, but you'll damn sure be the smartest. But, if you want to work out, but not deal with a bunch of idiots, and you don't have a pushy girlfriend that makes you join (I love you honey), don't bother with the gym. They don't have any magical equipment. Just do some situps and stuff. If you don't know what to do, you're a geek, use the internet.

Well, that's my story. Hope it helps. Oh, and if your from the New York Sports Club and your reading this now (or if your having some else read it to you because you thought reading was for sissies) FUCK OFF!